I’m standing in Church running through the marriage vows I’ll repeat in just 24 hours. It was a day I had been looking forward to f-o-r-e-v-e-r. I was so excited that I was… I was… I was CRYING? Where did that come from? BOOM! Out of nowhere that good old friend emotion hit me – like it always does, unannounced.
So today, on Boo’s first day at nursery I should have known better.
For weeks Id been telling everyone how ‘excited’ I was about him starting. How it was the best thing for him and how I’m lucky to have the best of both worlds, going back to work part time.
This is of course true when you look at the world logically. But logic and reason have no place in the emotionally drained world of being a New Mum.
It wasn’t until exactly 10.10am, ten minutes after his first settling in session, that it hit me like a truck and the tears came a flooding.
There I am, sitting in an ominous nursery room, surrounded by key workers and other kids, and there I am bawling my eyes out, suddenly, unexpectedly, embarrasingly! Oh the shame of it. It wasn’t enough that the poor nursery staff had ten sniffling children to look after, but now a grown pathetic woman too.
Meanwhile and totally oblivious, Boo was wrecking the joint and having the time of his life. Playing and wrecking everything, without anyone telling him off.
Go with your gut
I knew nursery was going to be a great choice for him, I knew he would have no problems settling in and I knew it would provide the entertainment and stimulation I could never. But what I didn’t know was how hard it was going to hit me.
Just an hour of ‘settling in’ and I felt like I’d gone twelve rounds with David Haye. How could it be this difficult. It’s not like I hadn’t known this day was coming, I’d been preparing for weeks. I’d spoken to friends about what to expect, I read blogs, I had cleared the diary.
But I guess nothing can ever prepare you for such a big change. For a whole year it has been me and Boo, we never got involved in playgroups or baby classes, we had each other, Baby Gap sales and the high street – what more could we need!
It’s a new day
Today however signalled a change. I must have been suppressing this hidden feelings inside. It was time to say goodbye to maternity leave, my baby and my wonderful year with him. Back to reality…
Crying on the phone to my Supermum friend, she described it as it being a ‘wrench’ and it was the perfect word to describe it.
I’m so happy my baby is getting to explore the world to be in such a brilliant thriving environment with other children where he will learn and flourish. But, I’m utterly devastated. I’m gutted someone else will be hugging, kissing and consoling my baby when I’m not there to, I’m sad that our long days together will now be compressed into stolen moments. But above all, I’m heartbroken that we are being separated.
Sorry for being an emotional wreck
I’m sure, like everything parenthood throws at you, this is merely a phase. I’m sure in weeks to come I won’t even remember writing this post, wondering why my keyboard isn’t working because I cried into it like a bloody loser!
Parenthood is full of so many amazing moments, what no one tells you is that the lows really freakin’ hurt and cut deeper than any other pain you’ve felt before. I guess this is what it is to love. Bittersweet.
This post is dedicated to all the wonderful Mothers and Fathers of the world.
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